The Internet Is Our Water Cooler: Lost Predictions

Imagine a dimly lit room in the basement of a church. There's a single uncovered light bulb hanging from the ceiling, illuminating a semi-circle of sad-looking men and women seated in metal folding chairs. There's some awkward conversation for a few minutes and then one man stands up, claps his hands, and asks if anyone would like to begin. After a few moments where everyone looks at everyone else, a tall, heavy-set man stands up and begins to speak. He says:

"Hi, everybody. I'm Will (The others all chorus "Hi, Will."). And I've.... started watching Lost again.

I know I said I wouldn't. I know I said that the boring, grating characters and the glacially slow, directionless plots had gotten on my last nerve. That the creeping sense that the writers were making things up as they went along and that there were no answers had sapped my will to care.

And then they gotta go and keep teasing me with the possibility that the detestable Hobbit Rocker will die. I keep trying to get out, and they pull me back in.

So, to overcome my own shame, and because I find it personally amusing, I'm going to post a few predictions about what I think is going to happen during next week's finale. Some of these I developed in tandem with Ian, who I watch the show with, because no matter how painful an experience is, it's always easier to bear if you have someone to make smartass comments with.

Prediction #1: The Island is Actually Limbo

Now, I know the writers have explicitly said that The Island isn't Purgatory. I'm okay with that. But Limbo, man. Limbo! The place where Catholics used to send unbaptized babies before someone pointed out (not that long ago) that condemning children to non-Heaven for something they had no control over was kind of a dick move.

My theory is that all the people on the island are unbaptized babies in adult form. And that The Others are, I don't know, angels, or babysitters, or abortion doctors. I don't know! It's a new theory, it's all very exciting. And it would explain why Doctor Jack has spent the last three seasons acting like The King of Babies.

Prediction #2: The Others Are Planning a MASSIVE Birthday Party

There's only one explanation for why the sinister Others act so... sinister. The secrecy, the lying, the violence, the torture. It's obvious to any informed viewer: They are planning a surprise birthday party for someone, and they are doing their damndest to make sure nobody finds out!

With that ultimate mystery solved, there's only one question left to ponder: Whose birthday is it? Jack and Locke are the obvious front-runners, of course. (Or were, until Ben caught Locke peeking at his presents early and... uh... shot him.) But maybe it's someone else. Maybe they've decided to get Sawyer a heart. Or Hurley some courage. Or Jack a brain. Or Charlie a brain. Or every person on the beach, a brain.

My prediction is, the first half of the finale will be a tense showdown between the Losties and The Others, culminating in explosions, betrayal, and death.

The second half will be a rousing game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

Prediction #3: The True Identity of Jacob

A few weeks ago we were teased with glimpses of The Others' purported leader, Jacob, a mysterious being with apparent supernatural powers. Now, the episode itself gave us only a few glimpses of this shadowy character, seen here:



However, with a lot of work and a little luck, I think I've stumbled onto Jacob's dark secret. Because if you examine that photo closely using powerful software made especially for this purpose (I use JacobViewer 2.0, although I've heard good things about OtherScope 4), you'll see the terrifying truth about who's really pulling the strings on The Island:



Jacob may hate technology, but I bet he loves fresh fish and swimming around and eating Eskimos!

Prediction #4: Charlie is Damn Well Going to Die

I'm having party hats and T-shirts made up to that effect. Don't let me down, Lost writers.