A Manifesto on Perspective

I occasionally will read things with the express intention of making myself mad. Most of the time this will be a piece of writing on the Internet. Not that I'm not capable of getting my ire up with some good old print journalism, but it's so much harder to get a comment thread going for a page in a magazine. I guess you could post it up somewhere, and attach Post-It notes saying "Ur gay", but it seems like a lot of work. Not that comment moderation wouldn't have a certain visceral thrill to it.

Because, while a badly written article is capable of making me angry, there's nothing quite like the aggregate of human stupidity in a comment thread, reflecting in on itself like a retarded diamond, that truly fills my soul with wonder.

Having read a few of these recently, I've developed a few rules for myself. No one cares, obviously. People comment for their own reasons, and a few words written on a blog that hasn't been updated in years isn't going to stem the tide. But here it is: My rules for not being an asshole on the Internet.

1. Nothing matters.
This is the Internet, the great idiot wasteland. Nothing here is real. No one's opinions matter. The truth does not exist here. Getting mad about this meaninglessness... about your "reputation" or about what someone called you or, anything, really, is as meaningless as farting into space.

2. Be kind.
Vonnegut was a humanist, and he said this, "Damn it, babies, you've got to be kind." The only person who your words matter to on the Internet is yourself. Don't make that person think you're an asshole.

3. There's nothing wrong with hypocrisy.
People throw the word "hypocrite" around all the time, as though proving someone's actions don't match up with their words is anything but an indication of flexibility. If you're not constantly changing your mind about things, you're holding on too tightly to ideas.

4. The golden rule: The more strongly and emotionally you believe something, the less likely you are to be right.
So calm down and find some detachment.

5. I'm lying.
I break these rules all the time. You should, too! Who the hell am I to tell you how to act on the Internet? I'm gonna go have a Coke Zero.